mero Diary

a small thing I wish I could change …

wish i could just edit few lines i said from my past .. wish i could just go to my past and correct some mistake i did … i dont need anything … if i could just … if someone really could give me whatever i wished for … I dont want to regret my whole life for that stupid mistake that ruined my life … I am not sure that it really that big mistake but if i could correct it and if that would bring her back I’d be happy at least … its just a small wish … I dont remember asking many things to anybody … but if i could just get this wish, I could then die happily … then probably i could face her when I meet her … then may be i could ask her why ??
Did she never remembers me ?? Never ?? Not even a bit ?? Was I nothing ?? I am nothing probably in anyone’s life … ya probably .. may be I dont matter … may be I was always invisible … may be i never even met her …

it’s starting again … :( :(

i cant escape the whole world but i cant run away from her memories ….. no matter how much I run, it keeps following me … people say its’ good to be hopeful but this hope is taking away my life … i dont know how much can i live with the hope that she will return someday to me … i don’t know till when can I wait … i dont know when will i get tired … i told someone yesterday that it’s foolish that someone died for a girl that he loved … now i think he wasnt a fool at all …. i was the fool to say that … without her i;m not living at all … I am smiling but not happy … walking but like a corpse … am crying but cant shed tears … I just have this piano music she game me with me … it reminds me of her … i sleep with it .. feels like she’s near me … feels like she cares for me …

not sure what love is ??

i loved a girl … i think I was in love that time … she didnt think I was what she needed … i was heart broken … i shed few tears for her and after a month I was living my life again … then i found her … i thought she was the one, the one who understands me and the one who I can live my life with … i was so happy with her but now she’s gone and it all feels strange … i never wanted to believe that she used me no matter who said what to me … i always thought what anyone else thought coz I wanted to listen to my heart rather than other .. I thought i knew her and i knew her pain … now that shes gone and she hasnt even called me once .. i come to think i never really meant anyting to her … even if i did a mistake .. i apologised a thousand times .. she could have forgiven me …. but she didn’t .. may be she was just looking for an excuse all the way .. may be she was just tired of me … may be i made it easier for her …

sometimes i wonder why people listen to other and sometime i wonder why not ? why not listen to other ??? at times you are blinded .. blinded by fake people , fake emotions , fake love …  even i am fake … i dont know who I am … i dont konw what i want … at day i try my best to be happy and as the sun go down .. i feel sadder …. it hurts a lot sometimes …. i want to cry so load but i dont want anyone to hear my cries … wish she could feel what i am going thru … but how can she when i couldn;t feel what she was going through …. she said she was happy … i really hope she is … if would have been better if i was with her but i dont want to meet her in future to see tears in her eyes … I really dont want to live to see that …

why can’t i just move on ..

i am in a delimma … i think a girl is in love with me … i feel happy with her…. she is funny and interesting … she keeps me happy … many times she reminds me of her …  may be the 2nd girl I’ve ever felt really happy with … i’ve spent very less time with her but when i think of those moments it brings a smile in my face … she asked be if i love her or not .. i am not sure … i cant lie to her .. i still cant forget her .. i cant just play with feelings … what if she come again one day ?? i’ve been thinking a lot these days about this … i dont know what to do … am i just using her to divert my mind ? Have I became so selfish and desparate that I cant even wait for her …. Do i think that she will never come back ?? Is this the end ??? IS that it ?? should i start a new beginnig ?? should i forget every moment I had with her and move on ???

i am so tired ….

it’s enough know i think … I am too tired, i can feel the pain in each and every part of my body …. i can barely stand … i cant walk … i am all worn out … i just want to rest … i just want to sleep.. i just want to forget everything … i am beginning to doubt myslf … i must have been wrong all the time … from the beginning may be i was making mistakes … i am a fool may be … i never want to be happy i guess … i never am going to be able to overcome it i guess … may be i’ll die wit h the pain …

i dont have words …guess I am out of words or may be there are no words that can describe what i going on inside me … i really must be a fool … i want to hate her but i can’t. I don;t know what I will I say to her if i ever meet her ??? will she remember me ?? Will I remember her ?? GOd i hate her so much … but i love her more than anything else in this world … I cant forget her …. i dnt konw why …

why do people try so hard ?? so hard to get what they cant get … though they know, it’s just a dream that can’t come true …      it’s worthless

strange feeling…

the first word i could come up with to start this was  “love” but i dont know how to start a sentence with that word on. I wished I could … it’s like my fantacy … i wished i could not just write that word down but actually say it so someone real close to my heart… it’s the word that’s been missing out in my life … I am living in memories i know that … sometimes even i feel bored thinkig about myself … i am such a boring person… i guess i couldn’t find someone else and that’s why I’ve been hanging to her memories …. I cant even scold my self properly … I am such a pathetic loser …. ya i really feel what i am saying … i really am a loser … i lost her … i don’t know how but I did …. sould have never let her go the first time when i think about it but she was never mine … she was just a fren … we could have stayed like that but it wasn’t enough for me … it’s human nature i guess .. we all want more .. more from life .. more from the people we love .. more from everyone …. nothing’s nothing enough for us… deep inside i think i knew i was doing wrong but i was greedy … i didn’t wanted to share her with anyone … i was jealous even when she was thinking for someone else … it was childish for me to act so but i guess it is my love that I still think for her and i care for her … pain will be healed and forgotten; memories won’t be … i will try to wait … till i can … if she is happy, i guess i am too …  It is love,  isn’t it ??

feeling lonely …

i should have been used to being alone by now .. but still it aches when i come to thing that there is no one who love me .. no one who cares for me … i do have a family and frens but i guess it’s not enough for me … i want someone who i can live forever, with whom I’d forget everything, with whom I’d care less even when i am in the middle of nowhere …

When i was with her , i was so happy … it was as if heaven has gotten down to earth … without her even the happiest moment seems to be worst … I cant’ seem to smile the way i used to be … i cant seem to think the way i used to … seems like this world is up side down …. i am trying to keep my self busy but whenever i reember the moments spent with her … I feel i can never forget her …. even when i am with someone else, i keep thinking about the moments spent with her …  her every move; the way she smiled, laughed, talked, cried; I just cant seem to get her out of my head …

I don;t know till when I”ll keep writing about her in this diary … i really want to write about something else but i just cant help myself … i am a big loser I know and i dont seem to feel bad for myself .. i just keep thinking how she must be ..

A call from her …

Haaaaaa !!!! it’s been sometime I;ve not written anything .. have been busy a lot … or lets say trying to make myself busy a lot … so busy that even i dont remember myself .. I’m going on a trainning lately  and if it works out I’ll be probably working 24/7 …..  that’s what must be missing i guess … a load amount of work …

She called yesterday morning …. I didn’t knew it was her not .. I just picked up the phone and there was some strange noise coming from the other side … later when i rememebered (i had deleted her no.)  it was her no. ….  I called her back .. for a moment I had forgotten that she must have even forgotten me …. for a moment I thought she was in my life again… but she didnt pick up my call …. must have a wrong no ..  her frens must have miscalled or may be her new boyfren must be trying to check on me i guess …… sometimes I think she’s too sick and wants to talk to me but she could have at least sms … I’d have forgotten everything and I’dnt even ask why … but then again i think she must be very happy and busy and has no time left for me …

Can’t help myself …

sorry !!! I know I always keep saying sorry … butI can;t seem to be able to do anything else than that …

… sorry for falling in love with your … sorry for letting you know that i love you .. sorry for making you sad, sorry for bringing tears in yours eyes… It really hurts , when you know that the person you love doesn;t love you .. it hurts when you knw that the persone you’re with is thiking of someone else even when you’re around, when you stand helpless b coz you know you can’t do anything to take away her pain, and you can;’t bring even a smalles smile in her face with all your stupid jokes .. i can understand how you might be feeling.. i won;t say i can feel your pain.. no one can but i will try .. at least to understand what you are going thru the resto of my life .. you don’t need to worry about me at all…I’ll be fine … you know i am strong right ? just take care of yourself …  and .. try to smile always ..