still thinking …

January 21, 2012 | Posted by spaghetti

There’s some stuff goin on in my mind since the past few weeks… something that I’ve been trynna contemplate, something that I needaa understand about myself…

You see.. I’ve always been really good at lookin back at myself and reflectin on what I’ve been and where I’m going. Nyhoo.. seems there were a lottaa things that I hadn’t really reflected on.

The other day, I met a really old friend of mine.. we hadn’t seen each other since the past 10 years or something.. and she’s one of the oldest friends I have. We were together in school.. we were in class 3 when we first met and became best friends.. after that, we’ve always been in touch.. before she left for the States. So this other day we meet.. and then we went on to talk about ourselves, we had a lot of catching up to do… we talked about our past and all the stupid things we did.. n then we talked about our relationships. She asked me about mine.. I said I wasn’t so sure of where I stand in my relationship. And then she said the most amazing thing.. she said she always knew I would never really be in a serious relationship, coz I’m jus not cut out to be in one. That really really shocked me.. like.. why do I look like somebody who can’t be in a good, stable relationship? It confused me.. a lot!!!!!!! I just thought about it for a while… if I’d told her that I was in a really good stable relationship, what would she have said?? I don’t know.

A few days later, I was having a good girly chat with onaa my best friends. There again we were talkin about anything and everything… what some girl was wearing, what some person said.. and the conversation finally got on round to relationships. There again, she asked me about my relationship.. and I told her the truth. It wasn’t going on so well, there were a lottaa issues in hand.. some possible future consequences and all that.. and she went on to gimme the same dialogue.. dyamm??? She went on to tell me again how I’m not cut out for relationships.. I am and always will be a free person.. I can’t be chained into any relationship coz’ then I wouldn’t be myself. And then finally… as a compliment.. or as a compensation to what she’d said.. she went on to tell me how I’ve always inspired her and our other friends by being very strong about relationships!! So apparently, I’ve given them strength to stand their grounds in relationships and taught them not to ever depend on somebody else for happiness!! Okay.. that sounds good… I felt happy when she told me I inspired them.. .. but really?? Am I not cut out for serious relationships?? Questions questions!!

I reflected on my past. There are some pretty amazing people that I’ve met, some people I’ve dated, some people who I didn’t even talk to because there was something about them that I didn’t like. Serious relationships? I had one! I thought I was really really in love with him…. Now that I look back at it, I don’t know if I was head over heels for him because it was love.. or because I was constantly looking for his attention. When he left, i’d expected myself to break down and go crazy! But I didn’t. I really really thought that without him my world would be incomplete, that I didn’t have the strength to go on without him beside him, that I’d die… but I didn’t. When he left, however, I triggered the most creative part in me… I didn’t cry… I wrote!!! I wrote songs about him.. and songs about us.. and songs about me… I didn’t cry.. I let it all out in words.. until I cudn’t write anymore and I moved on….

That gets me to think… maybe I’m not really meant to be in a good, happy relationship.. I’m supposed to write and let people hear me…. maybe its true. Maybe I’m not cut out to be chained down to some guy, who’ll promise me the world and be by my side. I’m supposed to look out for myself.. isn’t that what everybody’s supposed to do? Why is it, then, that people let themselves go and look for that special someone who can complete them?? Hell… nobody can complete you… the only person who can complete you, is yourself! What’s the big deal then? I’m still thinkin….. not writin…. Still thinkin……….